Getting a Buzz

Many years ago, a book called ‘Cucumbers are better than men because…’ hit the shelves to great acclaim. Illustrated with cartoon drawings of deeply satisfied women, it brought the idea of men being replaced by common, but firm, vegetables out of the kitchen and into the bedroom. So to speak. Nutritionists are always telling us to indulge in as a wide variety of goods as we can. Who are we to argue?

When it comes to sex toys (you didn’t think this was the food section, did you?), the market has made enormous leaps in both technology and niche.  

Vibrators (marital aids, dildos, whatever) are a very big business. In 2020, the global sex toy industry was worth 33.6 Billion USD. By 2028 it is expected to be worth over 52 Billion USD. You might say the industry is…buzzing.

This is great news for everyone, but especially for those of us who may need a little help getting our boat floated. Viagra is one thing, but getting hard is only half the battle and really only accounts for 50% of the population.

As we all know, aging brings with it some rather hectic changes in our hormone levels. Along with that great joy comes aches and pains, inflexibility, issues of body confidence, boredom and perhaps changes in, or disappearance of, partners.

Online shopping means we no longer have to pretend that the extra electric toothbrush in our basket is for a friend – and yes, I know people who have used electric toothbrushes for that purpose. Presumably with very soft bristles- but where does one begin?

The good news is there are plenty of people out there going blind doing God’s work and the reviews are in.

Before we start looking at what to shop for, the most important thing you should know is that sex toys are not something you have to be ashamed of wanting or buying or owning. Lovehoney, a large British company that specialises in ‘the sexual happiness of people’ say that 70% of their customers are in relationships, but that means that 30% are not. Doctors know that sex, by yourself or with others, is good for you. It improves your mood, burns calories, increases serotonin and is even very good for your skin!!

Secondly, most vibrators these days are USB rechargeable. Yes, you can still buy battery operated, and even ones with cords (each to their own, and a scary thought when you consider you are hooked up to the mains) but the vast majority of modern pleasure toys can sit in a dock charging while you are out running around.

Thirdly, most sex toys these days are waterproof.You may think that that should be obvious, but we are not talking about ‘ok to use in wet areas’, we mean, ‘let’s go and have a bubble bath and see where this leads.’ That level of waterproof.

And finally, they are now much quieter than before. A true blessing for anyone with nosy, sex-starved, gossipy neighbours, thin hotel walls or flashbacks to roaming parents with owl-like hearing.

Obviously, you are well aware of the standard shape of the average…cucumber, but there are other options out there. Here are a few you may have overlooked.

The ‘could be for my used for my bung knee but also for other things’ type.

In this functional looking category we have, as an example, the Magic Wand Rechargeable. Even with its orthopaedic 70’s ‘vibe’, this appears to remain a firm favourite amongst those in the know. Cordless and powerful, it comes with a 1-year warranty and is made by Hitachi…yes, the same people who make air conditioners. This has won ‘fun toy of the year’ so many times it is ridiculous. Definitely worth a look.

The ‘holy cow, does that go where I think it does?’ type.

This is another slightly unexpected looking one, and that suction-y looking bit goes exactly where you think it does. An example of this is the widely regarded Satisfyer Pro 2.

Sex toys of this type use sonic waves or air to create ‘pulses’ that stimulate the clitoris. They do not act like one of those skin sucking machines at an Aesthetic Salon, in fact, the design means that it does not make actual contact with the clitoris at all. Female reviews of this next gen clitoral stimulator sound like Southern Baptist Church testimonials. Perhaps a little of this is what you need.

The ‘judge me by my size, do you?’ type.

These are known as ‘bullets’, and what they lack in size, they more than make up for in ‘POW.POW.POW’ as they say. Take the WE Vibe Tango, about the size of a lipstick and as quiet as one. This one is waterproof and rechargeable, and comes in some pretty funky colours. Being so small, you can play with these however you like. The one certainty is that you will like the way they play.

And finally, the ‘OK, how does that work?’ type.

As previously discussed, when it comes to changes in design and technology, nothing speaks louder in the bedroom than the gadgets we use to get it on. Advances in research and development means that manufacturers are actually paying attention to the real needs of everyone, instead of the perceived needs of a few. This does introduce us to some new shapes and ideas, of course, and items like this

Satisfier Double Whale open up several new avenues *cough* for fun. A double whale can be used by one person, or by two at the same time. It’s flexible that way. It is waterproof, rechargeable, and, if you look carefully, has a cute smiley face. This, and other intriguingly shaped toys like it, bend over backwards to bring you all the joy you need, and then some.

In fact, a quick look around the internet will open your eyes to a whole new world of size, shape, functionality delivered straight to your door in a discreet brown box that does not scream “SOMEONE’S GETTING LUCKY”, and there is nothing wrong with that. Don’t let age or worrying about what anyone thinks stop you from being happy. Life is short, you have earned a few bangs, bells, whistles and a number of climactic happy endings.    


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