Are you a sexual genius?

Some people seem to think that having sex is a fairly simple task…but they would be stiff out of luck. There is a lot more to doing the deed than meets the one-eyed trouser snake. Test your sexual knowledge with the amazing facts below and see how sexy your cerebrum really is.

For example, do you know which animal has the longest orgasm?

It’s pigs. On average, a pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes, which brings up several questions. 

Number #1…as this is an average, it makes sense that they studied a lot of pig orgasms to decide 3o minutes was the median…just how many pig orgasms did they watch, and who are these people watching them? Also, one assumes that the same people, or maybe other people who shared their information, have studied all other living creature’s orgasms. Again, who are these people, what sort of qualifications does one require to get such a job, who is paying them (please don’t say it comes out of our taxes) and WHY are we studying this?

Next, a word about size. The average vagina is 3 to 4 inches long, but can expand by 200 percent when aroused. So, no, size really doesn’t matter, women are flexible that way, and whatever you’ve got, we can deal with it. Note that the word aroused is in there. No matter who is tickling your fancy ladies, make sure to make time for the pre-show, as well as the main event.

Did you know that there is a reason Praying Mantis males tend to avoid sex for a bit when they are young? It’s because the female praying mantis will eat his head off during and after copulation. Spiders, namely the Australian Red Back, will do the same, but Dragonfly sex is so rough on the females, that a female dragonfly will often fake her own death in order to avoid nooky. When the male is in the area, she lays down and pretends she has taken the big sleep, he comes over, decides doing a corpse is not his thing and flies away, at which time she gets up and goes on with her day.

Here’s one to discuss over breakfast. In Ancient Egypt, women placed a mixture of honey, wax and crocodile dung inside their vaginas to act as a contraceptive. Oddly enough, it wasn’t so much of a contraceptive that it kept Egyptian men away. They still went for it, but modern science has discovered that the alkaline nature of crocodile poop works as a mild spermicide. No word as to who was responsible for collecting the dung, although I feel it should be a males gig.

Are you fat? Good news at last!! A 2012 Turkish study found that men who were overweight lasted longer – up to 3 times longer- than their skinnier male counterparts. It could be linked to poor circulation, or maybe some other bulking agent, but hey, whatever works ☺ Have another piece of pie gents!!

And while we are discussing things that we put in our mouths, there is often a lot of talk about sperm containing high levels of protein. This is just not true. In order to get the same amount of protein as one egg white, you would have to produce half a cup of semen in one shot. However, there is 3% of the RDA of zinc in one throw of your baby batter, and, just like a diet coke, only one calorie.

Speaking of things that make us happy, in Europe a study discovered that women wearing socks during sexy times increased the likelihood of her having an orgasm from 50% to 80%. In a study done by myself and friends of mine, men wearing socks and sandals never get to discover how hard or many times a woman will climax. 

In case our friends from North America are feeling left out, did you know that oral sex was officially illegal until 1969 in Canada. There is no official word as to whether or not 69 is legal there.

And for those of us wondering how coffee culture became such a thing, ingesting caffeine, i.e., your early morning java, will caffeinate your sperm. For those of us who need a boost to get us through the day, remember, there is more than one way to get that buzz.

Staying with mental health issues, a study in America discovered that the antidepressant compounds of serotonin and endorphins are absorbed via the vagina and rectum from semen. Men have these things in their sperm, and the receiver can take them in after a deposit. Of course, you should always play safe, but if you are with a trusted partner, go for it. To be honest, a bit of regular happy jiggy-business keeps EVERYONE happy. If you don’t have a sperm supplier, don’t worry. Orgasms of any sort are good for everyone’s mental health. 

And the final fact for today, did you know that most condoms are not vegan due to a milk protein added to the latex, however there are companies now producing vegan condoms for people who strenuously object to putting meat into their mouths…

So, are you a sexual genius? Give yourself 10 points for every fact you knew, and, if you are a bloke, a well-deserved 15-minute nap in the wet patch. 

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