SEX PLEASE, WE’RE BRITISH

Sex Please, we’re British.

Did you know that on average, in retirement homes all over the world, the women outnumber the men 3:1?

That’s slim pickings for the women, and a field of dreams for the men.

Of course, not all women want men for bed partners, and plenty of men prefer to snuggle up to a hairy chest. But given these statistics, the chances of a man finding someone of the opposite sex to get jiggy with are simply better than for birds. Tragic. But true.

Having sex is something doctors recommend to remain limber and to keep the blood flowing to all the relevant regions. Harder (pardon the pun) if there are less people in your demographic to Tango with. Of course, flying solo can be equally delightful, and sometimes even better than sharing the love. More about that later.

Since the liberation movement of the 60’s, sexual activity has become more openly written and spoken about and now that the ‘free love’ generation are entering their Golden Years, they are bringing their orgasmic- if a little arthritic- selves to the party.

This is causing some unexpected problems, however.

Sex in retirement villages is so rampant that, according to recent studies, STD’s are having a ‘golden age revival’, as it were.

Truth is, if you can’t be making babies with the batter, you may think that wearing a love glove is, well, coming to the party a bit overdressed. Not true.

HIV…yes, HIV…. does not take a moment out to consider whether or not your well-loved body is worth the effort. Old f**kers can get HIV too, as they can get of Gonorrhoea, Syphilis, HPV, Sexually transmitted Hepatitis, Chlamydia and Herpes. And frankly, if you’ve made it this far without ANY of these bad boys rocking your world, I am not sure that you DID live through the summer of love at all.

In the Health section of this magazine you will find more information about these and other conditions, but for now….

Sex and the over 50.

What is sex like when we age? This is such a fascinating subject for most people that there is an industry dedicated to it. Albeit on the quiet.

You see, as we become more well-travelled, our bits (and our mind and mojo) starts to alter.

For women Menopause is the big life changer. Or not. Some women are so delighted not to have to worry about keeping extra babies at bay, or whether or not you are about to start leaking blood everywhere on a bus, that being finally free of their fertility is like the ultimate ‘WHOOOO HOOO’, in spite of the hot flushes, drying skin and brittle bones that often accompany it. Menopause is different for every single woman, just as their fertility is, so certain symptoms will be harsher or weirder for one person, and barely noticeable for another. In that same vein, plenty of women find that losing their ability to reproduce, even if they weren’t really planning to, is a blow both physically and psychologically. When your womb is no longer for open for business, and your vagina starts to change as the hormones alter your sex organs, are you still attractive? Are you still a women? Of course, Menopause does not make you any less of a woman, but saying that is like telling men that if they didn’t have a penis and balls and the ability to read directions on a map, they are still ‘all man’.

When our ovaries stop popping out eggs, things are different- hence the term ‘change of life’- but because wombs and ovaries don’t then fall out of our bodies, people tend to forget that it’s kind of a big deal. If ovaries were hair on our head, for example, people would notice the loss.

This brings us to the changes in a man’s body after 50. Many doctors use the term “andropause” to describe aging-related hormone changes in men. Other terms include ‘testosterone deficiency syndrome’, ‘androgen deficiency’ of the aging male and ‘late-onset male hypogonadism’. In general older men tend to have lower testosterone levels than do younger men.

Testosterone levels gradually decline throughout adulthood — about 1 percent a year after age 30 on average. It affects the men in the sex department, either by loss of libido or erectile disfunction, sleep disorders, as well as emotional and physical changes. Some men have teste shrinkage. This may interest the women who suffer from labia and clitoral shrinkage. Basically, as we age, all our bits get smaller. But this DOESN’T mean we have to stop using them.

Sexual positions- realistic sexual positions- can make all the difference. I know, when you were in your 20s and 30s you could hang from the kitchen taps and bang so hard your neighbours thought you were renovating, but NOW that kind of activity can lead to a broken hip, awkward questions from the Ambulance officers and a plumbing bill. Try the bed, or the sofa, and some pillows. Lots of pillows. They are fun to use as bolsters and prop up bits of you that may otherwise droop towards the floor. Sexual positions that involve a woman’s legs up and over the shoulders of her partner will provide the greatest penetration, however this may not be comfortable or realistic in later years, so positions where both partners are on their side, or he is on his side and she is on her back with their legs intertwined are very rewarding, and less likely to end up with a trip to the hospital’s emergency room. It is important, after a certain age especially, but always, to understand the role of clitoral stimulation before and during intercourse. Just as it is important to be realistic about lubrication. As she ages, a woman’s vagina becomes dryer, thinner and more likely to tear. As mentioned earlier, sexually transmitted diseases do not recognise age. Any would in any sexual organ is a risk factor. So buy her some lube, or (ladies and gents) buy yourself some.

They have flavoured ones if you fancy, DO NOT put the ones that say ‘Heats up and tingles’ in your mouth. Trust me. If that’s your thing, save yourself some money and lick Tiger balm….

And buy some of these.

They are super good fun for everyone involved, come in a great range of colours and can be used on aching muscles when you are done pretending you actually own a penis that rotates.

Which brings us back to the 3:1 ration vis-a-vie women and men in retirement homes. If you find yourself sans partner, and you’re not sure that you have what it takes any more, buy a dildo.

Go on.

Buy it online if you must, but get one, and use it. Men and women alike. Sexuality is part of who we are. Of course, a cuddle and someone to share our lives with is important, but so is the occasional, or not so occasional, orgasm.

Embrace it.

Just be sure to clean it at the end of every session. Nothing too abrasive, you will be wanting it again later and some cleaning products can STING!! Again. Trust me. And of course, remember to put it away before the Grandkids come over. Or the nurses come in to check if you are still breathing or bed swapping. That is sure to lead to questions that, at your age, you just couldn’t give a f**k about answering.

(Thank you Rob Head for letting me use your dildo pictures. Yes, a man named ‘Mr Head’ let me use his fake penis pictures. My life is now complete).

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